Note : Zak's preferred pronouns are still he/she.
I never knew how I would handle having someone close to me transition until I experienced it for myself. I have known my husband Zak for about a year now and we've experienced everything under the sun. The loss of a baby, a natural disaster, moving across the country on a whim, and now Zak announcing that he soon wants to transition into being a woman. My first emotion was honestly to feel a little betrayed. I always considered myself an open person, and I thought that I created a safe space for Zak to share anything with me, or even express himself in any way possible. I never expected Zak to be a certain way, Zak was Zak. Sadness has definitely been an unexpected emotion for me. I was very glad that Zak revealed this news to me, I was the first one to know actually, and even more glad that Zak had faith that I would be a supportive figure in his life. What I did not expect was the feeling that I was mourning who I fell in love with. This new person that Zak wants to become is one that is unfamiliar to me. I did not fall in love with this stranger, and I knew that all the things I loved about the Zak that I did grow to fall in love with would be swiftly gone. It felt as if I was losing my bestfriend. Zak would become a figment of my memory while this new woman that Zak will soon become will take over. I know the importance of being yourself, and I especially understand how sensitive this subject is. Regardless of anything I want Zak to be happy, happy with what looks back at them in the mirror, and happy in life. My own personal mourning of who Zak was is going to be something that I will eventually get over, but it is hard. But, watching Zak erase the person I have grown with is heartbreaking. The change has become gradual, yet real. I share my makeup tips with Zak, we glance at wigs together, and we talk about all the future girl activities we can enjoy together. Another thing that I did not expect to feel during this process was the loss of my place in the relationship. As an ultra feminine presenting person I like being the star. I'm used to my place as the sometimes submissive member. At times the line between lover and friend becomes blurry, or even influences my feelings to become more platonic. I still find myself having trouble deciphering the two. We had plans to have children now, and our focus has now shifted. Can I let go of that wish as well? I felt extremely hurt by receiving this news at first because I feel in an honest relationship, there are no secrets, did I not deserve the chance to process everything? If someone could keep a secret this huge from me, what else could be kept? Did I ever know them at all? After some deep discussion however, I realized that Zak was another person figuring out the truth, and sometimes that takes time. I think the most stressful part of this journey has been the constant state of anxiety I find myself in. I know the danger than trans women are in constantly and I am always on guard. If anything happened to Zak just because she appeared a certain way, and someone decided to harm her I wouldn’t be able to live. Period. I wouldn’t be able to live with knowing that. When you love someone you want them to be happy and safe even if it isn’t with you, or even the way you imagine them to be. Right now above my comfortability lies Zak's wellbeing. Zak deserves the chance to truly blossom into the person that she wants to become. Its my job as a person who loves Zak to be a supportive figure in this transition. I also feel that since all this is so new, Zak deserves the freedom to explore and figure things out with their own path. Our marriage served the purpose of helping zak realize his truth. Right now it’s all about figuring out what my best role in zaks life will be. This can be a very confusing time and I feel as though its necessary to remove myself romantically from the equation in order to be able to help Zak through this process in an unbiased manner. The person I loved may be gone, but a new person that I can get to know is emerging.
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Author- A pro black queer feminist writer and poet from Alabama. I write to inform and to open the doors of people's minds. The fact is that I am a minority living in a state more red than Donald Trump's scalp under his bird nest toupee, and this fact helps me to give a different perspective than the status quo. Dive into the waters of my mind and don't forget a safety raft. Archives
June 2019
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