Until this point in my 25 years of living I never saw myself as the “ maternal” type, I was more the fun aunt who smuggles wine everywhere and hands your adorable bundle of joy back as SOON as it starts exploding type. The idea of a baby honestly seemed like a burden towards my lackadaisical lifestyle. I cringed at the idea of spending my eye shadow money on diapers, trading in my tequila shots for 9 months of sobriety, or even the daunting task of finding a relationship that did not go to complete shit after 4 months. I was selfish, young and comfortable. I had no existential crisis brewing within me because I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, had the freedom to change my college major 12 times, date cute assholes who made me feel alive for a moment, travel at the drop of a hat, and base all my decisions on the fact that I am solely responsible for myself . The blissful insanity of my 20s was the addiction that kept my blood flowing.
One of my impulses eventually led me to move 6 hours away from home to a Florida beach then fall in love over the span of months. Mother Nature also picked this time to remind me who was really the boss when I took my first pregnancy test. SURPRISE, IT WAS POSITIVE. PARTY OVER. My first thought at the age of damn near 26 was, " oh shit my mom is gonna kill me", then I remembered I’m 25 not 14. My reaction was likely a reflex of me never having had an official pregnancy scare before. I cried for about 2 minutes then started hysterically laughing with my boyfriend while I processed what the hell just happened. ME. A MOM?! There was a part of me that did not allow myself to fully believe what was happening in my body even as the doctors confirmed my status after 4 additional tests were taken. I could not fathom the image of myself as a doting mother with a huge belly housing an infant. I could barely care for a tomagotchi keychain LET ALONE AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING. As the days went by my mindset began to shift. What if i COULD do this?what if this is some sign that I have a reason to wake up in the morning? what if this IS a reason not to be suicidal? what if I was placed on this earth to spill love over a tiny human and keep them safe? I allowed myself to be happy, and for me that is always a catastrophic emotion. I pride myself on being a careful optimist. Expect the worst, but be thankful for the best if it comes. I had also decided against making an announcement to anyone except a few friends, or clogging facebook with my lackluster posts about craving pickles until the baby had an actual heartbeat. But, I fell into the baby trap, HARD. The little bean was only about 5 weeks old when my boyfriend and I had assumed it was a boy and gave him a name. ( By the way, the name was actually quite bad ass if I do say so myself. ) My phone soon became littered with apps telling me how big little bean was and would become, what eating habits I should be adapting, and what bomb was going to go off in my body as the time went on. I slowly accepted this idea that I could finally create the family I always wanted for myself and I was happy. Only one person still DID NOT KNOW.... MY MOM. After hours of contemplation I decided to mail my mother a pair of baby booties with a note attached that read, " Dear Grandma, Keep these Booties Safe, I'll Need Them Back In March". How could ANYONE be upset after receiving something that cute.. right? My mom never received that package. During a routine visit to the doctor to check my HCG levels I was informed that they had dropped drastically, which is a sign that the baby isn't growing hence a miscarriage. I don't think the human language possess a word yet for how I felt in that moment. The feelings I can articulate towards myself however was disgust. I knew not to allow myself to feel joy. I knew not to think that for a second I deserved good things. I knew that I was not worthy of the gift of another human being so why did I think that this would end well? In my mind this happened because I was a horrible person and would never be a good mom in the first place. Why did I think I deserved a happy ending? I called my mother later that day and told her the news, then later called my friends. The disturbing theme I kept receiving from people was that " this wasnt my time", " I wasnt ready", "I havent been with my bf long enough", or "I'm still young". For me this pregnancy was a sign that I deserved to be alive, because I now had a purpose and a meaning, when that final sign failed me i felt as if I had nothing left. I drank, I cut, I cried, I moped, then finally ACCEPTANCE. Miscarriage is literally common in 50% of first time pregnancies, but no one talks about it. But, this nightmare was FAR FROM OVER. At what would have been the 7 week mark my symptoms did not dissipate as the doctor had promised. I was hemorrhaging blood, and my stomach was hurting so badly on one side that I would be awaken out of my sleep for hours lying on the bathroom floor in pain. The symptoms would come and go, and after numerous sonograms and blood draws doctors assured me it was just symptoms of the miscarriage. Nothing could ever truly prepare me for my mental state at this point. I was manically depressed, stressed, angry, confused, and in physical turmoil. After a final visit to the 3rd hospital THAT DAY I was informed that not only was I still pregnant, but the pregnancy was ectopic.The baby had decreased in size then QUADRUPLED in a matter of days. So theoretically, the little bean faked his death, then came back alive to take us BOTH OUT. WAS I BIRTHING STEWIE GRIFFEN?! The pain I was feeling was the baby growing so big inside of my fallopian tube that it could have burst at any moment. I was rushed to surgery in an ambulance immediately. Every hospital i visited at every stage of this ordeal claimed to have checked for this. The one doctor who chose to take his time ended up saving my life. The main reason I decided to share this experience was not only to raise awareness about two common issues with pregnant women, but to remind people to always listen to your body. listen to your pain. Doctors are not God, and if something doesn't feel right, you make sure they find your answer. Constant negligence from doctors almost cost me my life. This experience however, did teach me that my life is something I am not ready to lose yet. As I was lying in that ambulance I was mentally fighting with myself about every reason why I thought I deserved to die, and in turn it made me realize how much i desired to live.
3 Comments
Jaz
7/21/2018 06:25:47 pm
Amazing read! Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
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Iyanna
7/21/2018 07:17:47 pm
Claudia I am so sorry that this happened to you, but I am so happy you are alive. We were like besties in boot camp. And I’ve always wanted the best for you. And wanted you to see that your life was worth living. I’m glad that you see that now. I’m sorry how it came to be but I’m happy for your life. This will be an experience that you will never forget. But all experience you can learn from. I love you so much love. If you’re not already better I pray you get better soon. And moving foreword continue to be thankful for your life. I love you. - graham
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Jamal Ingram
7/22/2018 03:19:11 am
I love you! Always remember i'll be here when and if you ever need me!
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Author- A pro black queer feminist writer and poet from Alabama. I write to inform and to open the doors of people's minds. The fact is that I am a minority living in a state more red than Donald Trump's scalp under his bird nest toupee, and this fact helps me to give a different perspective than the status quo. Dive into the waters of my mind and don't forget a safety raft. Archives
June 2019
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